Matthew & Elizabeth Know More Than You About...

Morbidly Idiotic

2011-10-17T08:56:00.000-07:00

Last night, AMC's Walking Dead, the network's most-watched original series, had it's second season debut (in HD!). Finally, ten years later, AMC decides that this whole HD thing might actually be, like the way of the future or something.
But to their credit, most of AMC's shows have lower than average production values - The Walking Dead in HD was a colossal failure. HD plus zombie makeup = fake to the forth power. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Terrible imagery aside, The Walking Dead failed also with story and character development.

What happened at the end of season 1? It's been, a good long while since this show's been on the air - I for one, had not been re-watching season 1 in anxious anticipation, or refreshing my memory with the graphic novel (which I hear, is actually quite excellent). So, The Walking Dead proceeded to show us the worst season recap in history - season one had - some zombie chases? Some people at the CDC? Since the recap failed to enlighten us, the show threw in Rick, on top of a rooftop (?), talking into his radio, trying to catch us up on all the things the "previously on" scenes failed to do - except Rick's mysterious rooftop monologue (why was he on a rooftop all alone? for starters) - didn't answer any questions for us either - to paraphrase - the doctor at the CDC told me something important - and I want to share it with you - but wait, it doesn't matter what he said. The important thing is - stay off the road.

Stay off the road. Okay. I seem to remember some imagery from season 1, of one side a highway crowded with cars, and our heroes (eye roll) driving along the other abandoned side, and going to great lengths to ensure their escape (a decoy car, sirens, etc). This abandoned-car-highway imagery gets repeated at the beginning of this episode (really milking that fancy, now, extremely fake looking freeway), telling us that our heroes are ON THE MOVE. On the road. Which, I vaguely recall, is not a good idea, because the noise attracts "every walker in a 10 mile radius". But this doesn't seem to phase our heroes. After all, they are SURVIVALISTS. These are the people who are THE BEST at surviving. They've survived this long. So obviously, they wouldn't do anything without a really good survival plan that everyone is on the same page about.

You would think.

So, Rick and the gang zip along the Detroit freeway, heading towards Fort Zombie Freedom, when Uh-oh! Roadblock! "Where the hell are we, Beruit?" Somebody says. "Don't worry about it, y'll!" Says Beard-Face. "The RV is broken down, but first let's go through these dead people's belongings."

Rick's wife doesn't like that idea. She is all like, I don't know, morals this, dead people still have feelings, that. The crew scores some giant jugs of water (convenient), some hatchets (a new zombie-killing tool, I'm on board with that), and, some "nice clothes" so our female cast can still have an excuse to look anerexic shiek for TV.

But, wait, you guys. Zombies are coming. And there's like a whole herd of them. Anyone have any ideas? Let's hide under the cars. And now all of the show's pre-established logic breaks down.

Remember how zombies can smell you? Remember how they have a hunter-like sense of hearing as well and can spring into action quickly? Well, in season 2, they have no skills. There is no reason to fear these zombies, because they can't even pass basic Zombie Hunting 101.

So, Blondie is trapped in the RV's bathroom, trying to assemble her gun, which no one wants her to have, becuase she is like all suicidal or something. (All of this, I had obviously forgotten about, because naturally the terrible season recap left out all information crucial to this episode). Hey, Blondie? You think your life sucks? What about the zombies, huh? Ever think about that, how much it must suck to be a zombie, with only one thought(flesh!) in your head? And how you are forced to just wander around aimlessly trying to get that one thing that always eludes you? Now THAT is nightmarish prison. I feel sorrier for the zombies, honestly. Blondie attacks a zombie with a screwdriver, and it's gnarly. Then T-Dogg (actual character's name, I didn't make that up), accidentially shreds his arm on some metal spinter lying about (whoops!), and blood gushes everywhere. It seems bad for him, but his buddie the white supremisist dude's brother I think, saves him by covering themselves with corpses so the other zombies are fooled. His arm that was gushing blood at an alarming rate perviously, is apparently fine with no need for medical attention. Thank God!

But hiding under the corpses was a smart and morbid move, and one that actually makes sense given the logic of the show. Meanwhile, everyone else is hiding under cars out in the open, like frightened schoolchildren. Some of them, actually are in fact, school children. And naturally, a straggling zombie at the end of the pack finds Sophie, who probably could have out-manuevered the zombie, easily leading it into a trap and forcing Rick or someone else to quietly and easily take it down if only someone had like thought of some zombie-evading strategies to share with her - but no one did. So she runs for the woods. Rick follows in hot pursuit, being all "super brave" as his doting (but cheating) wife puts it. Rick catches up with Sophie in the woods, and she is all "I'm scared. Don't leave me alone." and Rick is like "I know, but I have an idiotic plan that involves you being more scared, and me losing you in the woods." So instead of taking the girl with him, he leaves her to hide, and easily takes down the aforementioned non-threatening unskilled worker-zombies. Like, it's so easy. Even Sophie could throw a fricking rock, Rick! So he goes back, and it's whoops, Sophie's gone! He and the archer guy track Sophie for a while, and kill another walker with a skillful arrow to the brain. Archery is not easy, but this guy has got some Olympic level Skillz. Then they decide to open up the zombie guy's stomach "to be sure" he didn't eat Sophie. So they do. And he ate a woodchuck. Phew! (Never mind all the unanswered questions this brings up - Can a zombie starve to death if they don't get enough to eat? Is a well-fed zombie more of a threat then a "starving" one? Are there half-eaten zombie woodchucks now?)

So Rick and the archer return to Sophie's mom with bad news - they can't find Sophie. And then the worst thing happens. Not the worst thing in the story, but the worst STORY-TELLING DEVICE. Rick and archer-man proceed to explain to everyone exactly what just happened in the scene the audience witnessed 30 seconds ago! Just in case you couldn't really follow the complicated plot, here it is again - they opened up the dead guy! And he ate a woodchuck! This is what we like to call overly expositional. While in the beginning of the show, a little reminders of some of the key season 1 goings-on might have been nice, here it is just lazy. Can we hurry up and get to the part about how Grey-Beard faked his RV breakdown (Huh?!! Why??? Oh, that's right. No reason. Shrug. I just felt like doing some, I don't know, team-building.)

Anyway, it's the next day, and the whole crew goes looking for Sophie. They decide to "cover as much ground as possible" by wandering around single file, mere inches from each other. No one is allowed to shoot a gun! Remember how gunshots attract zombies! Noisily marching around through the woods, though? Totally cool. Suddenly, some church bells ring, and everyone says, remember how noise attracts zombies and our survival strategy has been to avoid noise? Well, let's run towards those churchbells? Maybe Sophie has forgotten all about our surivival strategy and is over there? Maybe she is the one ringing the church bells, which would presumably attract "every walker in a 10 mile radius" towards her and us? Let's hit it! At the church, there's no G-D steeple Rick! "Rick , you idiot! You led us to a church without a steeple! What the hell is wrong with you?" yells his fake best friend who not-so-secretly wants to bang his wife. And Rick is like, "I got this". And they "storm" the church, where 3 devout zombies are just minding their own business, praying to Jesus for their zombie forgiveness, and Rick just mauls them down. Poor devout zombies. What where they even doing in the church in the first place, just sitting there? Something about the zombies still having some habitual memories, like the woman in the pilot episode who kept knocking on her own front door - but then if zombies have feelings and they still love Jesus, is it a sin to kill them? Were these three zombies in the church even threats to you, Rick? Obviously, all this heavy moral thinking gets everybody into a funk, and everyone starts crying and getting suicidal, and deciding to abandon all hope of finding Sophie and sticking together as a team. So they split up, and Rick needs "a sign" from the Jesus he doesn't have faith in. So Jesus sends him a sign - a deer - a FEARLESS deer, one that gets his 8 year old son so excited he can't stop grinning idiotically as he creeps toward the deer with his hunter-like skills that he perfected by tromping around the woods for 5 minutes, and WHAT?! Jesus is obviously still mad about Rick killing those 3 innocent church-loving zombies, because he sends a bullet right through Carl's stomach, and sending him into a coma for the remainder of this season! What, a bullet? But no one is supposed to use guns, you guys! Who didn't follow the rules?!

So, what's going to happen in the rest of season 2? Who shot Carl? Will anyone find Sophie? Is Rick's wife going to stop binging and purging and maybe put on a few pounds so it might actually be believable that she could survive a zombie attack? And who cuts her bangs? But, it doesn't look like any of these questions will be answered, and instead we're left with some running in the woods and driving in cars.

This show is a big disappointment to me, because AMC is supposed to have "quality" TV shows, ones where "story matters". I could be on board with a story that has logic loopholes, and suspend my disbelief, IF that story was either a) exciting or b) characters I cared about. In Season 1, it was Option A) Exciting. Dramatic escape plans. Dire situations! But so far, season 2 is not building dramatic or exciting story with relatable characters.

What do you think?

Writing Advice - part 1

2009-02-13T14:36:00.001-08:00

There's a lot of writing advice out there. How do you know who to listen to? Easy. You listen to me. As some of you know, I read scripts for a screenplay competition and write coverage.

Sometimes people come up to me on the street and they say "hey! how do you get your hair to be so shiny?" and I say "Hey! Nice try, but you're off topic". You see. That's how laser-focused I am. On writing. Let's begin. At the beginning of course.

(1) Quit your job.

To be a successful writer, you absolutely must quit your job. How else are you going to have time to write? Look, we hear a lot about writers who worked this or that crappy job, just enough to pay the bills, but at night they would really get passionate..with writing (get your mind out of the gutter), blah blah blah. But this is not true. Most writers are a bunch of rich people and trust fund babies. You need to emulate them. Check this out. "Hi, I work at the Gap but on my days off, I'm writing my novel". SNOOOZE. Compare - "Hi, I'm writing a novel". Zing! Now you're interesting. And when you get famous enough for people to ask, you tell them you did the whole worked at the copy center for 3 years for minimum wage bit too. Standard stuff.

(2) Be a hermit.

To be a good writer, you need to isolate yourself. If you can find a bubble, or a cave, perfect.

Log cabins, abandoned warehouses, or treehouses also work. You should cut off all communications. Don't read. Don't watch TV. Don't talk to anyone. They don't understand you anyway. You are a tortured artist. Why do you even bother to write for these despicable idiotic invisible people that make up your "audience" anyway? They hate genius when it smacks them in the face. But that is your job. To smack people in the face. One day, they will appreciate it, probably when you're dead. Secretly, people love a good smack.

(3) Network!

Get out there and socialize. You'll never make it on your own. You need to surround yourself with important people who like to talk about "fast-tracking", "the back end", and "fast tracking the back end". Drink a lot of Scotch so you seem normal. Own a blackberry. Figure out how to "Twitter" and Facebook your face off. Spend a few months looking for an assistant. Fire new assistant on first day. Spend next few months looking for another assistant. Repeat.

(4) Don't Write Every Day

If you start writing every day, you'll end up doing a lot of work for free. Working for free is not your goal. Your goal is to sell that ONE novel/script/pitch/young-adult-vampire-garbage for an assload of cash and retire in the south of France. How are you going to sell something for an airplane-hangar-full-of-coin if everyone knows you work for free? You've got to put in the least amount of time and effort so everyone knows what a gifted writer you are. "It just comes effertlessly to me", you'll say. "I don't need to rewrite myself. Every word is perfect the first time." Everyone will "ooh" and "ahh". They WISH they could be like you. You will send them into a jealous frenzy. Some poor shmuck will say to you "no one can do that! Everyone else has to write all the time, constantly trying to improve the craft. There are NO EXCEPTIONS." But you will say "how qaint. Now, who wants my autograph?"

(5) Don't Write What You Know

Everyone writes what they know. You need to be ahead of the game and outside of the box. You have to differentiate yourself from the pack of "write what you know" writers. Writing what you don't know is imaginative. It's creative. You can't do research. If you research something, now you know about it, duh. You should write about outer space molecular biological lifeforms in hell and invent new words like "cuboprety". Nonsense equals genius.

"Once upon a time" is for hacks.

HGTV show ideas

2009-02-13T13:41:00.000-08:00

HGTV is awesome, we all know. However, all their sassy style-me-pretty flip-it-switch-it home-buying-is-fun crap is not really current with today's economy. Here are some show ideas I've written to HGTV to pitch for 2009 -

Foreclosing Your Home with Style!

How to Downgrade and Lose most of your Equity.
Finding a Home in your Price Range (there aren't any).
First Time Buyers - don't worry, you won't be approved for a loan anyway.

Haiku to my recently purchased items at Trader Joe's

2008-08-14T15:44:00.000-07:00

Dear reader(s) - (hopefully there's more than one, but who knows) -

Like most females, I have a healthy obsession with food. I enjoy cooking, and LOVE eating out. Naturally, I asked co-blogger/partner-in-life Matthew if we could turn our blog into a food blog, instead of our blog-which-mocks-snobbery-while-simultaneously-showing-off-our-great-taste-slash-intellect-all-in-the-name-of-fun.

However, Matthew scoffed at this idea, and (scoffing), said, "Real original. Food blogs have so been done before." It's true. They're everywhere. Some are good. A lot of them are lame. And they seem to be getting more and more popular. So of course, when something has reached it's peak of popularity, we have already been hating it for years.

So, rather than bringing you lame recipes that I've copied from somewhere else followed by step-by-step blurry unappetizing photos, I am bringing you, blessed reader(s), the gift of poetry.

Please enjoy some (rather original and ingenious) haiku. And stay tuned for our Labor Day trip to Cincinnati, where we will sample some "famous" (who-knew) Cincinnatian chili, and, umm, do other Cincinnati things . Coming soon.

Onion.

Chop! Dice! Wedge! Sizzle!
Bringing tears to my blue eyes,

You smell great sautéed.

Hark! Rings like a tree.

In the test of time, you win.

Gimme some onion rings.

Red Pepper Jar.

Fire roasted brilliance.
Where have you been all my life?
I’m moving to Spain.

Soy Ice Cream Sandwiches.

Freezer Door Opens.

Cool Breeze. Softly swirled chocolate.

I just can’t quit you.

Carrot Cake Cupcakes.

Evil coworker,
Brought these to work. Only two!
Dollars. I had 4.

Gnocchi.

She gazes at the west -
Ern sun. Are those Potatoes?

She muses. Or cheese.

Tomato.

Perplex, form, function.
Boundary of thought. Words fail
To describe. 'Red' works.

a Presidential Bake-off of Monumental Proportions! (and hopefully monumental portions)

2008-06-19T15:06:00.000-07:00

Hello all. We've been busy being engaged and haven't blogged for some time now. But, a subject of national interest has inspired me to blog once again – the presidential cookie bake-off.

It’s no secret Matthew and I enjoy baking cookies, decorating cookies, and definitely eating cookies. We are clearly experts at all of these. It’s time for us experts to weigh in on what is proving to be the most controversial presidential cookie contest EVER.

The contest is held through “Family Circle” or “Parenting” magazine, where readers (or anyone who registers online) vote for their favorite recipe submitted by the presidential candidates’ spouses. In the past, the spouses who won this contest (Hillary Clinton, Lara Bush, etc) ended up in the White House. The cookie contest now has an aura of predicting the future. It is the Groundhog’s Day of November. Ideally, the candidates should post a recipe that has a story to tell about who they are. The cookie should represent what kind of person you are and what kind of family you have. After all, baking a cookie from scratch is a symbol of love and it’s something that pretty much anyone and everyone can do. Let’s take a look into the history of this cookie contest –

First up, Barbara Bush’s “batch” versus Hillary Clinton’s “Chips”. Both of these recipes are variations of chocolate chip cookies, which is arguably the most beloved and also most mainstream cookie. Hillary’s chips have oatmeal and chocolate, but her recipe also uses vegetable shortening, which I refuse to bake with (although probably does taste really soft and delicious). However, Barbara Bush’s recipe was a pretty simple chocolate chip cookie, yet half-way through the contest, she CHANGED her recipe to include oatmeal, essentially copying Hillary’s success. So, clearly, Hillary stuck to her guns here and deserved this win.

(America loves the chocolate chip. )

Next, Hillary’s same recipe defeated Elizabeth Dole’s “Pecan Roll Cookies”. That’s a no-brainer! Pecan Rolls are for OLD people! Just like Bob Dole. And margarine instead of butter? Come on.

<---(Pathetic looking pecan roll cookies.)

Then, things got interesting with Laura Bush’s “Texas Governor’s Mansion Cowboy Cookies” versus Tipper Gore’s Ginger Snaps. Cowboy cookies are pretty dang good, with chocolate, coconut, oats, and pecans. Ginger snaps are a little boring, which was precisely the voters’ problem with the Gore’s in 2000. “Let’s get crazy and party with the Bushes!” thought 49.99% somehow-rounded-up-to-a-majority of America.

(Cowboy cookies and ginger snap cookies...America says "Close Call".)

In 2004, Laura Bush switched up her recipe to “Oatmeal chocolate chunk cookies” which is pretty similar to Hillary and Barbara’s recipes, with the addition of sour cherries. Teresa Kerry offered something more original and well suited for November – the “pumpkin spice cookie”. Arguably, this is one of the few “breakfast cookies”, a cookie you can eat for breakfast and not feel too bad about it. However, the voters felt Kerry’s cookie was “too elitist” because it didn’t have chocolate and required pumpkin puree, something you can’t use year-round. The Bushes prevailed again.

(Chocolate oatmeal chunk cookies looking familiarly inviting. Pumpkin spice looking rather snobby)

So now, finally, we have Michelle Obama versus Cindy McCain. Ms. Obama has chosen a family recipe of “shortbread cookies” that has orange and lemon zest, a splash of Amaretto, and an optional dash of dried fruit or nuts. Cindy McCain, who the thought of actually baking anything herself is pretty laughable, has offered up “Butterscotch oatmeal cookies” from ‘a friend’, clearly an effort to capitalize on the past success of super-sweet-and oatmeal combos. Turns out Cindy’s recipe is plagiarized from the back of the Tollhouse butterscotch chips label. Bill Clinton also submitted an Oatmeal Cookie recipe (before Hillary’s concession). Bill’s recipe turns out to be 100% the Betty Crocker cookbook recipe.

(shortbread cookies a little Jackie-O remincent)

(butterscotch cookies looking a little unappetizing and thrown together last minute).

(thanks for playing, Bill.)

I don’t really care that Cindy and Bill plagiarized. The contest rules do not state anywhere “the recipe has to be original to you or your family or friends” nor does it say “If the recipe is from another source, it must be given credit”. If your family favorite recipe is the one from the back of the chocolate chip package, that should be fine, right? But HOPEFULLY, hopefully, voters out there aren’t looking for the same old thing they can get already. When I look for recipes, I look for SOMETHING new and different. That’s why, although I intended to try both recipes before voting, I already voted for Michelle. Why? Because your bias in presidential candidate makes it impossible to have a “fair” cookie vote. I like Obama, so I will read into Michelle’s cookie as unique and different, maybe even a little sophisticated and elegant. Others might read into it as “elitist”, (since it requires liquor, something relatively expensive and not readily on hand), being too English, (aka Un-American), and who knows what else.

So this whole cookie contest stems from America’s obnoxious need for their Presidents to be “just like me and you”. The bowling, the beer-drinking, the flying on corporate jets, this is what makes or breaks an election these days. So, while I voted for Michelle’s cookies based on the issues at hand rather than comparing the actual substance, I vow that I will vote for the President in November based solely on which wife wins the cookie contest, rather than the issues at hand. Like the majority of Americans, I will wait until the last possible moment, than base my decision on the latest frivolous bit of trivia. I like cookies. I fricking love cookies. Cookies are my livelihood. And I don’t want a president whose wife can’t win a cookie contest. Call me a patriot.

Back To The Present - Part II

2007-08-06T17:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, so its August. Much has happened since our last posts, but i need not bore you with the deets. Anyways, summer time is movie time. Before the holiday season rewards-fodder, this is that time of year when Hollywood churns out their cash cows. This was labeled the summer of the threequels, but it might as well have called the summer of the pukequels, since that's what the majority of them made me want to do when they ended and that's putting it nicely. Let's have a quick analysis...

Spiderman 3: Oh where to begin with this one? Despite the ridiculous amount of money Sony has raked in with Spidey, I think this franchise has stunk from day one; with the exception of the performance by Alfred Molina and a sweet fight sequence on the elevated train in Spiderman 2. Spiderman 3 is the most offensive of the trilogy. The Pete Wentz-ing of Peter Parker aside, the "climax" of this thing was just laughable. And the MPAA is seriously deranged if they pass this flick as PG-13, just because they don't show blood when Spiderman beats the crap out of Venom with a metal poll. But despite the soothsaying of Kirsten Dunst I'm pretty sure Sony will keep this money train chugging whether the "talent" returns or not. Save yourself James Franco! Just say no!!

Shrek 3: Skipped this one. When a studio makes more than 2 trailers for a movie, you know its going to be a turd. Besides Shrek 2 was a major let down. Next.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3: This is Hollywood excess at its worst. I really had high hopes for this one due to a pretty excellent trailer. But alas, Pirates turned out to be another Matrix for me, meaning a trilogy where I use selective memory to ignore the fact that two sequels were made. One would think Disney would realize that if this movie were 45 minutes shorter they could screen it more times during the day and hence make more money, but obviously that didn't happen. Who would have ever thought too much Johnny Depp could be a bad thing?

Bourne Ultimatum: Thank you, Universal. Thank you, Paul Greengrass. Thank you, Matt Damon et al. I read that the script for Ultimatum was being written on the fly during the shooting of this film. Usually that is a recipe for disaster (see: Pirates 3 above), but somehow these blokes pulled it off. Its the third in the series and its not just good, its the best of the three. You know when critics say, "an edge of your seat thrill ride!" well with this one they bloody mean it. This movie was so well executed from start to finish I didn't want it to end. I was literally shaking from the intensity and suspense of it all. Awesome. Simply awesome. Someone give Matt Damon an acting award already please. Actually don't because the Academy is a joke now. Screw them! Just keep on doing what you do, fella.

Rush Hour 3: Skipped the first one. Second one was meh. No way I'm seeing this one regardless of a Polanski appearance. Watching the trailer was torture enough. Pass.

Okay, I think that takes care of the trilogy dreck. But I'd like to lump Transformers in with the bad apples. I'd rather not go into details because it gets me upset. There's no denying the effects were some of ILM's finest work but that couldn't save this flick from a weak plot and terrible pacing.

I'll post about some of my other favorites of the summer in the next installment. Until then...

-- M

Saving the Environment in 3 Easy Steps

2007-04-28T15:33:00.000-07:00

The environment is out there and it needs to be saved. Sure, you can’t see it, or hear it, or touch it. But it’s there, lurking just over the horizon waiting to smack you in the face with a bit of global warming. If the horizon even exists by then. It’s probably the first thing to go. So if you want to save all the things you like, like puppies and rainbows, and all the things you need, like air and water and dry land, then you best make some lifestyle changes and follow my advice.

1 – A lot of people talk about saving the whales. The whales’ biggest problem is that they can’t see in the dark. So when it’s nighttime, turn on all the lights in your house. ALL OF THEM. Turn on any light-creating appliances too. If you’re not sure whether it makes enough light or not, like a coffee maker, turn it on anyway just to be safe.
The whales need to see, so don’t be selfish. Every little bit helps, and together we can light the way for these nocturnally challenged creatures.

2 – You’ve probably heard that taking the bus can help the environment, but this is a bold faced lie. Everyone knows that the metro transportation systems don’t make money and have to be government subsidized. A lot of buses run on bio-diesel, which is more expensive and guess who’s paying the bill. The government. And you. This is totally unfair, and what the government should do is give all of that money to the people so that they can buy gas. And then the price of gas will go down. And when the gas price goes down, that means less people are using gas. Everybody wins.

3 – When you’re at the supermarket, buying your industrial strength super glue and Frito Lay fun packs like I do so that you can glue some trees together and have a tree-friendly snack at the same time, you’ll be indubitably asked the environmentally fatal question – “paper or plastic”? Paper bags are made from recycled paper, making them inferior and likely to have their flimsy handles rip off, causing you to wastefully spill the contents of your groceries who knows where. It’s like a mini oil spill. However, plastic bags remind everyone of homeless people and homeless people are bad for the environment - they eat trees and they pee all over the place. So, the best thing to do when confronted with this double-edged sword of a bag choice is to compromise. Go with both. Make that grocery bagger earn his 7.50/hour and tell him to put the plastic bags inside the paper bags.

With these three simple steps, you will soon be on your way to making the world a better place. It won’t be easy. But think of how great you’ll feel if you do these great things for yourself. Pretty great, huh?

"Twilight" Glee

2007-04-19T14:48:00.000-07:00

Several months ago, a couple respected comrades raved to me about a new group out of Scotland called, The Twilight Sad. I procured a copy of their EP, and was immediately hooked by the brooding lyrics, banging drums, and pulsing guitars with splashes of keys & accordion for good measure. Their first full-length LP, Fourteen Autumns & Fifteen Winters, was released last week and it pretty much has instantly become my favorite record of the year thus far. And it is up against some pretty strong competition. 9 cuts deep, running at a trim 45 mins, leaves nary an ounce of fat on this album, which definitely sets it apart from the rest.

Well last night, I had the pleasure of seeing The Twilight Sad live in concert at The Knitting Factory here in lovely Hollywood, CA. After a glowing review of their recent show in NYC by my trusted music connoisseur associate, MRL, my expectations were running particularly high. The three young Scotsmen, took the stage stealthily and proceeded to cast a spell over all those in attendance. Playing half the songs in their known canon, the set was a robust albeit brief delight. Frontman James Graham's verses are certainly poetic and you can see every ounce of emotion pour as he both croons into his 50's style microphone and bellows to the heavens throughout the performance. The real show stopper came with the track 'Talking With Fireworks/Here, It Never Snowed' where Graham kneels in front of drummer Mark Devine's kit and with a single stick straight up murders the cymbal whilst on his knees until a few measures of quickly paced tick-tick-ticks by Devine's own sticks mellow out the pace for Graham to come in pondering, "And does your fear not grow when you see that you're all mine/See that you're all mine/With a knife in your chest." Who else but a bloke from Glasgow could come up with lyrics like that?

There's something so nostalgic about seeing an emerging band play a small venue because you know the chances of seeing them again in this type of setting are finite. Living in L.A. has granted me many such opportunities; e.g. Muse at The Mayan, Arcade Fire at Spaceland, and most recently Menomena at The Echo. These gloriously fortunate events are few and far between, but obviously that's what makes them so monumental; memories that do not soon fade into the twilight.

-- M

LP vs. MP3

2007-04-15T11:34:00.000-07:00

5 and 1/2 years ago, the iPod was introduced to the marketplace, and listening to music hasn't been the same since. I had just become an Apple OS convert after a summer internship at Sony Music, and I was psyched on all things out of Cupertino. At first I was skeptical of the little white wonder because it was expensive and mp3 players were usually so poorly designed. But iTunes changed my perception of iPod's possibilities. By ripping all my CDs I would have instant access to anything I wanted to hear at the click of a mouse. Waiting for my beloved 400 CD changer to switch between disc to hear a random playlist on shuffle would be a thing of the past. Now, my new PowerMac wasn't just a fancy word processor with Internet access, now it was the jukebox of my dreams. Couple that with the portability of iPod meant no more lugging around my CD collection on trips, no more skipping Discman while riding the T to class, and no more buying AA batteries. God bless you, Steve Jobs.

Fast forward to present day... The iPod is a massive success having sold over 100 million players world wide satisfying both music lovers and Apple stockholders alike. I've called the iPod the greatest invention since slice bread and have owned 3 different models. Even my mom has an iPod (Hi, mom!). It certainly has changed the way I listen to music for better and for worse. On the positive side it has forced me to acquire music at an accelerated rate, which has allowed me to discover tons of new bands. The downside is that I do not give the usual focus to an album in its entirety as I once did after a trip to Sam Goody in days of yore. The Internet takes blame for both sides of the scale. Now that you can hear an album before it is released, which will leak sometimes several month before it is in stores, getting your hands on the actual, physical CD just is not the magical event it used to be. I know you're saying, if you want it to be magical don't listen to the leaked music. Well that's a valid suggestion, but that's like trying to not eat some of the cookie dough before putting it in the oven. And don't even try to tell me you never tasted that sweet, sweet cookie dough.

Every CD I buy, and yes I still do actually buy CDs, gets opened, ripped, and put on a shelf nary to be used again. So why don't I just save myself some time and effort by purchasing from iTunes or Emusic? It simply comes down to sound quality. While watching movies has evolved for the better; have you tried watching a VHS lately? Yikes indeed. CDs eliminated many of Vinyl and Cassettes cumbersome traits. Instant track selection, no flipping, and no hissing or pops to interrupt you listening experience. But while mp3s are an evolution in convenience, they are a step backwards in aural quality. I'm no audiophile, but the quality of the music you purchase online is not equal to what you pay for. The kids buy it like hot cakes because they don't know any better. Here's an easy way to hear for yourself. Take a CD of an album you have on your iPod. Listen to the opening track on your iPod, then listen to that same track on the CD. If you can't notice the difference, then you can stop reading now because clearly this argument is wasted on you. So why should I pay $9.99 for an album on iTunes that is not only inferior in terms of sound quality but is also crippled in terms of what I can do with it by Digital Rights Management (DRM). I can get that same album on CD for a very close if not exact same price elsewhere. Then I can rip it at higher quality (still via iTunes) and listen to it on as many computers and iPods as I'd like as well as have the real physical CD as backup with linear notes and all.

It all comes back to the magic of buying an album and listening to it as it was meant to be heard. The album is an endangered species. Apple invented the iPod shuffle not just because it was a much cheaper alternative to the original iPod, it's because they surveyed iPod owners and the majority of them filled their players with singles and listened in shuffle mode. But being an old soul I like listening to bands who actually care about creating quality albums, not just one song destined to be the newest sensation on the Billboard hot 100 singles chart and 9+ throw aways. Which brings me to the original point for writing this now way too long entry. How can I have my cookies and cookie dough too?

On a recent trip to the record store, I picked up a copy of the new Of Montreal on vinyl from the shelf and on the front was a sticker. This sticker mentioned there was a coupon inside that allowed you to download high quality mp3s of the full album from the record label's website. This was an interesting revelation indeed. Vinyl has always held some mystical properties. Sure it is inferior to CDs in terms of shelf-life and purity in both sonic fidelity and seamless playback. But because of those things, there is more of a connection between the listener and the music. You're not just letting a machine automate the experience and zoning out instead of paying attention. For my 27th birthday, Elizabeth got me a record player and it has allowed me to develop a deeper appreciation for my passion of music. I can listen to my iTunes library at work and discover new artists via the internet. When it is released, I can go buy their album on vinyl and legitimately receive the mp3s for my iPod all inclusively. I win, the record store wins, the artist wins. What a magnificent time it is for all music lovers. I will close with some wisdom from the recently passed Kurt Vonnegut who I think would agree music is the most powerful medium in our lives:

"My epitaph, should I ever need one, God forbid: ''The only proof he ever needed of the existence of God was music."

-- M

Reviews of the Last 5 Books I've Read

2007-02-28T21:11:00.000-08:00

What is the What –

Three thumbs up. Well done, Dave Eggers. You might be only marginally older than me, and I may be only marginally jealous of your talent, but I cannot wait to read on. You are a gifted writer and continue to amaze me by tackling a complex, foreign, and tragic subject with ease and ingenuity. I hope you tell me what the what is. I bought your book in hardcover. You owe me!

The Reprieve –

John Paul Satre - you may have invented existentialism (or not! It already existed, eh smartypants? Got you there.) But let's face it John Paul. You ripped off the stream of consciousness thing from James Joyce. I don't care if you never read Joyce, never spoke English, or maybe Joyce wrote his works after you (I can't be bothered to sort out these petty historical details, JP), regardless I've seen this before! And while I understand that when you write about nothing and there's no narrative and things just sort of float around that you're showing the inter connectedness of mankind, the collective consciousness, and that nothing is really everything, it wouldn't kill you to be a little more original.

At least Joyce knows not to throw in punctuation marks. That's innovative.

(95% of )Anna Karina –

Look Anna Karina. It's been 6 years, 756 pages, and who knows how many airplane trips as my travel companion where the only options are either die of boredom or force myself to read you. And as a critic I must say…too many subplots. And all those peasants! They're so…bourgeoisie. And really…five thousand characters and only one love affair? You call that exciting? We're over. That's right. I don't care what happens in the last 70 pages. I'm giving up and I'm fine with that. You've died Anna Karina. And now you're dead to me.

The Sirens of Titan –

Kurt Vonnegut, I applaud you for making the crazies in your head seem not so crazy after all. Your visions of the future are scarily accurate and I'm starting to believe you when you say you've been to heaven and back and that you can see the future. If you tell me what happens to me on June 31, 2015 then I'd really believe you. Wait wait wait! Don't tell me. Just kidding KV, forget I asked. That was the old me. I don't want to know. I don't mess with the future. If, in the future, I ask you that again, have your more future self send my less future self a message so that we can avoid certain disaster. Thanks.

Make Love the Bruce Campbell Way –

Bruce, you are the man. I never knew that I had so much to learn and you had so much to offer. You'll call me, right? Dinner sometime? Or lunch? Brunch? Coffee? Tea? Wow, I guess you are really busy. Could we bump into each other on a Slurpee run then spend a few minutes "catching up" in the bathroom of 7-11? It's a date.

Cribs: Cambria - Day 2

2007-02-21T20:41:00.000-08:00

With an 11:40a.m. reservation for a tour of Hearst Castle, sleeping in was not an option and neither was starting the tour with an empty stomach.

We strolled down to a small French cafe for un petit dejeuner. Elizabeth went with the delectable blueberry coffee cake and a small latte. My first choice was a cinnamon roll, but when I heard the cook exclaim that more ham & cheese croissants were coming right out of the oven, I ordered one of them promptly with a mocha latte to drink. I'll come right out an say it, that there ham & cheese croissant was one of the best danged ham & cheese croissants I've ever tasted, and I've had ham & cheese croissants on several continents and a few scattered island nations.

After a satisfying breakfast and a caffeine boost, it was off to W.R. Hearst's little bungalow in the hills of San Simeon. I'd love to see an episode of MTV Cribs on this place. Wow! Not only was this modern day castle extremely immense, this cat filled out this space with some seriously classy shit. Dude had tapestries, statues, paintings, furniture, and ceilings, yes, ceilings imported from the finest homes in all the lands of Europe, Asia, Middle East, & Africa. W.R. had taste out the ying yang. As you can see in the pictures, the place was built to be the cream of the crop; it was in its day and I'm sure other present day domiciles in the union would still be hard pressed to best it. The tour option we chose only showed off a small portion of the estate, but to say that I was impressed would be an understatement. The Hearst family gained not only my $20 entrance fee, but my utmost respect for putting together such an impressive architectural and cultural sight. I would like to return in the future for additional access to other parts of the Castle.

With the end of our tour so too came an end to our weekend excursion. Down the 101 back towards home we went. And what meal would one cap off this weekend of visual and edible delights? Why a double-double with cheese at ye old In-N-Out Burger with a shake and fries of course!!

--M

Cribs: Cambria - Day 1

2007-02-20T21:30:00.000-08:00

"I've been itching to get out of the city..."

Ah three day weekends. Both a blessing and a curse. On one hand you have the additional 24 hours of relaxation, but on the other you have an extra day to get used to not working, so when you do go back to work on Tuesday, it's like worse than a Monday, man.

So why not turn the long weekend into a short vacation? Elizabeth and I did just that. President's day snuck up on us like a gypsy youth pilfering gelatos in a piazza, so there was no way we could afford a flight somewhere without selling a vital organ. A friend had told me Hearst Castle is cool place to visit, and it was only a little over three hours up the coast in Cambria. There's wine to drink, lots of food to eat, and vistas to behold; a feast for the senses to be sure. After 4 years of life in Los Angeles, I have to say the greatest thing about living in the city is getting out.

Last month was a trip up to Big Bear Lake for some action on the slopes. A quaint mountain town that upon arrival was as if we'd entered Switzerland and it was only 2 hours away! They even had schnitzel!!

Cambria was even more splendiferous. We tried to book a B&B, but they were all booked solid for the busy holiday weekend. We really lucked out scoring a room at the Creekside Inn, which was about a minute walk from the hustle and bustle of Main Street, heck it was even on Main Street. Arriving around lunch time we wanted to get oysters at this restaurant that overlooked the ocean, but it too was packed with visitors; wait time 50+ mins. We doubled back to this little cafe whose sign simply read, "cheese, wine & lunch". It had us a cheese. Plus, the soup du jour was lobster bisque. "Table for two please..." And it only got better, sweet potato fries, hot damn! I ordered the bisque, a turkey, brie, apple, & onion jam sandwich on focaccia, and a glass of savignon blanc. Elizabeth settled on the grilled eggplant & mozzarella sandwich on ciabatta with those irresistible sweet potato fries, and a glass of pinot noir (passing through Santa Barbara aka. 'Sideways' country must have inspired her). Compelling and rich.

After lunch, we perused the local shops, which offered everything from antiquities to satanic rubber duckies. First we ending up making a purchase at the local chocolateer. Next stop, a wine shop called, Fermentations, where we sampled wines for $5 each. They even threw in the glasses as souvenirs. We bought a few bottles for the homestead. Shopping + over indulgence = nap time.

After lunch comes, dinner. And dinner was an even greater spectacle in gluttony. Still determined to get some oysters, we picked a restaurant that offered a good variety of surf and turf as well as good word of mouth. At Old Stone Station, they were out of oysters for the day, but golly did they make up for it. For the appetizer, we shared two massive crab cakes, followed by salad. Then Elizabeth had swordfish grilled cajun style. And I went all in on the lobster tail. Both main courses were offered with sides of broccoli and a choice of rice or garlic mashed potatoes, being as how this was Cambria and not red China, we both went for the mashed taters; a heaping amount was received. Of course we had to wash it down with more than just tap water, a bottle cabernet savignon for good measure. After an entire day of basically just pigging out, a sensible person would probably have stopped there, but Elizabeth & I are nothing of the sort. When I hear coconut laced desert, I simply cannot refuse so, coconut cream pie was the piece de resistance for the evening. The Sandman cometh. To be concluded...

Why I Think Coachella Sucks

2007-02-16T22:26:00.000-08:00

That's right I said it. Coachella sucks. My first exposure to the music festival was soon after moving to the Los Angeles area. A co-worker told me about how he was left stranded at a Denny's because his ride ditched him. That was in 2003.

The following year, Radiohead headlined Day 1 so, naturally I had to attend. What I experienced in the desert was unbearable heat, long lines, and no cell reception. I think I maybe saw 4 bands play that day, including Radiohead. Too may bands that I wanted to see overlapped, and when I did make it to the stage/tent where they were playing, there were too many people, thus making it near impossible to enjoy the experience. I even had to miss Radiohead's set closing Bends-era epic "Planet Telex" just so I could avoid traffic. That was in 2004.

I have not been to Coachella since.

Frankly I just prefer seeing bands play their own headlining shows as opposed to the opportunity of seeing many bands in the festival atmosphere. To me it just makes more sense and it is less of an ordeal. Who the hell wants to book a hotel room just to see a concert?

But there is another downside of Coachella that has nothing to do with attending the event. The festival's organizer, GoldenVoice, stipulates in their contracts that the bands participating in the festival are not allowed to play any shows in the Greater Los Angeles area near the dates it occurs. So when Arcade Fire, who this week is playing a 5-night stand in New York City, announced more dates for their North American tour in support of "Neon Bible," I noticed two things:

1.) There were only two southern California dates listed 4/26 (a Thursday) in San Diego & 4/28 (Saturday) at Coachella.

2.) There were 3 more NYC dates scheduled for May (location TBA).

Now, if you're paying attention that is 8 total shows for the Big Apple and 1 show for L.A. that isn't even in L.A. I'm no mathematician, but I'm pretty sure that is an uneven allotment between two of the U.S.'s largest cities. Based on the evidence at hand, my powers of deduction would lead me to believe that the culprit is none other than the Coachella Valley Music & Arts Festival.

I hold out hope that shortly before or soon after the blight that is the Coachella festival, Arcade Fire will announce more L.A. area shows, but until that happens my judgement remains steadfast and unwavering. That, my dear reader, is why I think Coachella sucks. Now you may disagree with me, but you'd be wrong.

--M

The Grove - a Survival Guide

2007-02-12T21:30:00.000-08:00

The Grove – A Survival Guide

It used to be that whenever I felt the need to be surrounded by a kazzilion people in a surrealistic setting, I’d head on over to the grove for some good old fashioned escapism. However, experiencing the Grove on a daily basis has changed my perspective. Now that the Grove is unavoidable, it’s unbearable.

The obstacles -

* the Farmer’s market.
Under no circumstances is this ever a faster route. The Farmer's Market is booby trapped, intending to simulteneously disorient you and lure you into a food fueled frenzy. The throngs of tourists will undoubtedly take up too much space in these narrow passageways, and clusterfucking ensues. These tourist types will also most likely ask you for directions EVEN if you’ve got your Ipod on, sunglasses on, and your evilest Don’t-fuck-with-me look on, all of which under normal circumstances perfectly communicate your desire to not be bothered, but for some reason, the laws of the universe do not apply.

* people on stilts.
If this is not an obvious cry for attention, I don’t know what is. Hey, everybody! Look at me. I’m tall, but not really, I’m just standing on a useless contraption so that my vantage point appears to be abnormally tall! Well guess what stilt people. I am not amused. And what about the real abnormally tall people, huh? How do they think you feel, exploiting their misery in order to demonstrate visually how Jet Blue now has extra leg room? Thanks for ruining my day.

*slippery floors
I have never experienced as slippery a floor as in Nordstroms. This is seriously dangerous. This is what those “caution, slippery” signs were made for! A real situation that people should be warned about. I’m not sure how the slippery floor works into the Buy More Stuff at Nordstom conspiracy. Maybe you’ll spill something on your outfit and buy a new one? Maybe you’ll blame your old pair of shoes and opt for some expensive ones since surely their own shoes must be more adaptable to slippery floor conditions within their own climate region?

*dangerous sidewalk cracks
So today, I’m strolling along through the grove, trying to get to the parking garage as fast as possible. And I’m pleasantly pondering Steven Colbeagle the Eagle and whether the Saganaw Spirit won against that other team and when Steven Colbert is going to show it. (Or maybe he already did? How did I miss it? Maybe it’s on tonight. But tonight’s Monday…) When, out of nowhere, my heel gets caught in the crack, sending me flying forward. Fortunately for me, I’ve been involved in enough trip and fall incidents to know how to avoid completely falling on my face. It was more ankle twisting painful than embarrassing. As I collected my shoe, I gazed up into the American Girl Store. Oh the irony, I thought! Me - an American girl. Well I guess it’s not irony. But it sure is something.

How to survive –
• don’t fall for the trolley trap. After a long day the trolley may seem tempting and nostalgic, but unless you’re filming a Rice-A-Roni commercial, it’s about as useful as a (insert sarcastic metaphor that hopefully rhymes).

• stay away from the fountain. It will only cause you pain and sadness.

• Maximize the parking lot in your route. The parking lot is like the secret underground tunnel system of Disneyland. Learn it. It will help you avoid the aggressive sales people and even more aggressive shoppers.

• Don’t go.

The Silverlake Cheese Shop

2007-02-10T20:01:00.000-08:00

This place is like cheese heaven. Unless you hate cheese. Then, I guess, it’d be cheese hell. But really, does anyone hate cheese? Okay, I mean, maybe if you’re allergic or lactose intolerant, but then you’d be sort of indifferent, not full throttle abhorrence of cheese. People who say they don’t like cheese are lying to themselves. And if you’re going to lie to yourself, why not make it a good lie? There are better lies out there, just waiting for you to discover them. The truth is out there. If you believe that, it’d make you feel a lot better than not eating cheese. But you know what’s even better than not eating cheese? Eating cheese. Upon entering the cheese establishment, I was immediately drawn to the first, obviously free sample I could see – olive oil. With bread! Quite tasty.

Matthew and I then proceeded to sample every sort of cheese in the place, having no inclinations before entering what we wanted, as is routinely typical of us. With a little gouda, goat cheese, brie, fancy brie, bleu cheese, and cheddar down the hatch, we decided on one of everything. The exceptionally knowledgeable cheese staff might know a lot about cheese. But we know a lot about eating cheese.

Then came the free wine. “Free wine?” we echoed to ourselves, just as you, the reader, are undoubtedly echoing to yourself. Yes. Good. Free. Wine. It was a red blend, and blend it did. Into my blood stream. I’m not sure if that’s accurate. That seems to imply a sort of surgical procedure. And anyone who watches Grey’s Anatomy will tell you, surgery and wine do NOT blend. Maybe if you’re watching a surgery. But definitely not if you’re performing it. That would be unethical.

At any rate, as I sipped my red blend, blending perfectly with my cheese infused palate, I thought to myself that Matthew and I sort of resembled this perfect combination or pairing of elements. Not that either of us resemble wine or cheese, but if I HAD to choose, I’d say I’m the wine because I’m silly yet sophisticated, and he’s the cheese because he’s cheesy. I mean, vice versa. Mainly, I’d say that the wine cheese combo is pretty awesome, and so are we.

Peace, Love, and Cheese,
E

The Cheese Shop of Silver Lake

The Lives Of Others (Das Leben der Anderen)

2007-02-10T18:33:00.000-08:00

If you think the American way has lost its way as of late, then you are surely not alone. But no matter what the current state of affairs are: a trillion dollar war, denial of climate change, no universal health care, etc. Upon seeing "The Lives Of Others" you'll feel like pulling Old Glory out of the shed again for everyone to see.

In case you didn't know, living in East Germany whilst under "democratic" rule was not a gay old time. Enforcing this state of fear was the task of the Statsi or Secret Police, think the SS in Nazi German, except replace Lugers with microphones and reel-to-reel tape. When a slimy politician becomes obsessed with one of East Germany's most "loyal" playwrights and his actress girlfriend, the best interrogator in the Statsi is put on the case to try and expose the couple as being enemies of the state.

The film is captivating and tense, but I would expect nothing less from the Fatherland. The cast includes Germany's most famous acting couple, Sebastian Koch & Martina Gedeck, who along with Ulrich Mühe give stellar performances. I would definitely recommend catching this one at a cinema near you. By doing so you'll achieve your foreign culture exposure mitzvah for the year. Wow, a mitzvah for seeing a German film! What an amazing age in which we live!!

--M

Welcome!

2007-02-10T13:16:00.000-08:00

Hey Everyone! We both decided that we know best about pretty much everything and we're in a generous mood and are going to share our wisdom with you, the people. So check back here often and be enlightened. Thank you and be well.

M+E=ME