The Grove - a Survival Guide

The Grove – A Survival Guide

It used to be that whenever I felt the need to be surrounded by a kazzilion people in a surrealistic setting, I’d head on over to the grove for some good old fashioned escapism. However, experiencing the Grove on a daily basis has changed my perspective. Now that the Grove is unavoidable, it’s unbearable.

The obstacles -

* the Farmer’s market.
Under no circumstances is this ever a faster route. The Farmer's Market is booby trapped, intending to simulteneously disorient you and lure you into a food fueled frenzy. The throngs of tourists will undoubtedly take up too much space in these narrow passageways, and clusterfucking ensues. These tourist types will also most likely ask you for directions EVEN if you’ve got your Ipod on, sunglasses on, and your evilest Don’t-fuck-with-me look on, all of which under normal circumstances perfectly communicate your desire to not be bothered, but for some reason, the laws of the universe do not apply.

* people on stilts.
If this is not an obvious cry for attention, I don’t know what is. Hey, everybody! Look at me. I’m tall, but not really, I’m just standing on a useless contraption so that my vantage point appears to be abnormally tall! Well guess what stilt people. I am not amused. And what about the real abnormally tall people, huh? How do they think you feel, exploiting their misery in order to demonstrate visually how Jet Blue now has extra leg room? Thanks for ruining my day.

*slippery floors
I have never experienced as slippery a floor as in Nordstroms. This is seriously dangerous. This is what those “caution, slippery” signs were made for! A real situation that people should be warned about. I’m not sure how the slippery floor works into the Buy More Stuff at Nordstom conspiracy. Maybe you’ll spill something on your outfit and buy a new one? Maybe you’ll blame your old pair of shoes and opt for some expensive ones since surely their own shoes must be more adaptable to slippery floor conditions within their own climate region?

*dangerous sidewalk cracks
So today, I’m strolling along through the grove, trying to get to the parking garage as fast as possible. And I’m pleasantly pondering Steven Colbeagle the Eagle and whether the Saganaw Spirit won against that other team and when Steven Colbert is going to show it. (Or maybe he already did? How did I miss it? Maybe it’s on tonight. But tonight’s Monday…) When, out of nowhere, my heel gets caught in the crack, sending me flying forward. Fortunately for me, I’ve been involved in enough trip and fall incidents to know how to avoid completely falling on my face. It was more ankle twisting painful than embarrassing. As I collected my shoe, I gazed up into the American Girl Store. Oh the irony, I thought! Me - an American girl. Well I guess it’s not irony. But it sure is something.

How to survive –
• don’t fall for the trolley trap. After a long day the trolley may seem tempting and nostalgic, but unless you’re filming a Rice-A-Roni commercial, it’s about as useful as a (insert sarcastic metaphor that hopefully rhymes).

• stay away from the fountain. It will only cause you pain and sadness.

• Maximize the parking lot in your route. The parking lot is like the secret underground tunnel system of Disneyland. Learn it. It will help you avoid the aggressive sales people and even more aggressive shoppers.

• Don’t go.