Saving the Environment in 3 Easy Steps

The environment is out there and it needs to be saved. Sure, you can’t see it, or hear it, or touch it. But it’s there, lurking just over the horizon waiting to smack you in the face with a bit of global warming. If the horizon even exists by then. It’s probably the first thing to go. So if you want to save all the things you like, like puppies and rainbows, and all the things you need, like air and water and dry land, then you best make some lifestyle changes and follow my advice.

1 – A lot of people talk about saving the whales. The whales’ biggest problem is that they can’t see in the dark. So when it’s nighttime, turn on all the lights in your house. ALL OF THEM. Turn on any light-creating appliances too. If you’re not sure whether it makes enough light or not, like a coffee maker, turn it on anyway just to be safe.
The whales need to see, so don’t be selfish. Every little bit helps, and together we can light the way for these nocturnally challenged creatures.

2 – You’ve probably heard that taking the bus can help the environment, but this is a bold faced lie. Everyone knows that the metro transportation systems don’t make money and have to be government subsidized. A lot of buses run on bio-diesel, which is more expensive and guess who’s paying the bill. The government. And you. This is totally unfair, and what the government should do is give all of that money to the people so that they can buy gas. And then the price of gas will go down. And when the gas price goes down, that means less people are using gas. Everybody wins.

3 – When you’re at the supermarket, buying your industrial strength super glue and Frito Lay fun packs like I do so that you can glue some trees together and have a tree-friendly snack at the same time, you’ll be indubitably asked the environmentally fatal question – “paper or plastic”? Paper bags are made from recycled paper, making them inferior and likely to have their flimsy handles rip off, causing you to wastefully spill the contents of your groceries who knows where. It’s like a mini oil spill. However, plastic bags remind everyone of homeless people and homeless people are bad for the environment - they eat trees and they pee all over the place. So, the best thing to do when confronted with this double-edged sword of a bag choice is to compromise. Go with both. Make that grocery bagger earn his 7.50/hour and tell him to put the plastic bags inside the paper bags.

With these three simple steps, you will soon be on your way to making the world a better place. It won’t be easy. But think of how great you’ll feel if you do these great things for yourself. Pretty great, huh?