Morbidly Idiotic

Last night, AMC's Walking Dead, the network's most-watched original series, had it's second season debut (in HD!). Finally, ten years later, AMC decides that this whole HD thing might actually be, like the way of the future or something.
But to their credit, most of AMC's shows have lower than average production values - The Walking Dead in HD was a colossal failure. HD plus zombie makeup = fake to the forth power. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Terrible imagery aside, The Walking Dead failed also with story and character development.

What happened at the end of season 1? It's been, a good long while since this show's been on the air - I for one, had not been re-watching season 1 in anxious anticipation, or refreshing my memory with the graphic novel (which I hear, is actually quite excellent). So, The Walking Dead proceeded to show us the worst season recap in history - season one had - some zombie chases? Some people at the CDC? Since the recap failed to enlighten us, the show threw in Rick, on top of a rooftop (?), talking into his radio, trying to catch us up on all the things the "previously on" scenes failed to do - except Rick's mysterious rooftop monologue (why was he on a rooftop all alone? for starters) - didn't answer any questions for us either - to paraphrase - the doctor at the CDC told me something important - and I want to share it with you - but wait, it doesn't matter what he said. The important thing is - stay off the road.


Stay off the road. Okay. I seem to remember some imagery from season 1, of one side a highway crowded with cars, and our heroes (eye roll) driving along the other abandoned side, and going to great lengths to ensure their escape (a decoy car, sirens, etc). This abandoned-car-highway imagery gets repeated at the beginning of this episode (really milking that fancy, now, extremely fake looking freeway), telling us that our heroes are ON THE MOVE. On the road. Which, I vaguely recall, is not a good idea, because the noise attracts "every walker in a 10 mile radius". But this doesn't seem to phase our heroes. After all, they are SURVIVALISTS. These are the people who are THE BEST at surviving. They've survived this long. So obviously, they wouldn't do anything without a really good survival plan that everyone is on the same page about.

You would think.

So, Rick and the gang zip along the Detroit freeway, heading towards Fort Zombie Freedom, when Uh-oh! Roadblock! "Where the hell are we, Beruit?" Somebody says. "Don't worry about it, y'll!" Says Beard-Face. "The RV is broken down, but first let's go through these dead people's belongings."

Rick's wife doesn't like that idea. She is all like, I don't know, morals this, dead people still have feelings, that. The crew scores some giant jugs of water (convenient), some hatchets (a new zombie-killing tool, I'm on board with that), and, some "nice clothes" so our female cast can still have an excuse to look anerexic shiek for TV.

But, wait, you guys. Zombies are coming. And there's like a whole herd of them. Anyone have any ideas? Let's hide under the cars. And now all of the show's pre-established logic breaks down.

Remember how zombies can smell you? Remember how they have a hunter-like sense of hearing as well and can spring into action quickly? Well, in season 2, they have no skills. There is no reason to fear these zombies, because they can't even pass basic Zombie Hunting 101.

So, Blondie is trapped in the RV's bathroom, trying to assemble her gun, which no one wants her to have, becuase she is like all suicidal or something. (All of this, I had obviously forgotten about, because naturally the terrible season recap left out all information crucial to this episode). Hey, Blondie? You think your life sucks? What about the zombies, huh? Ever think about that, how much it must suck to be a zombie, with only one thought(flesh!) in your head? And how you are forced to just wander around aimlessly trying to get that one thing that always eludes you? Now THAT is nightmarish prison. I feel sorrier for the zombies, honestly. Blondie attacks a zombie with a screwdriver, and it's gnarly. Then T-Dogg (actual character's name, I didn't make that up), accidentially shreds his arm on some metal spinter lying about (whoops!), and blood gushes everywhere. It seems bad for him, but his buddie the white supremisist dude's brother I think, saves him by covering themselves with corpses so the other zombies are fooled. His arm that was gushing blood at an alarming rate perviously, is apparently fine with no need for medical attention. Thank God!

But hiding under the corpses was a smart and morbid move, and one that actually makes sense given the logic of the show. Meanwhile, everyone else is hiding under cars out in the open, like frightened schoolchildren. Some of them, actually are in fact, school children. And naturally, a straggling zombie at the end of the pack finds Sophie, who probably could have out-manuevered the zombie, easily leading it into a trap and forcing Rick or someone else to quietly and easily take it down if only someone had like thought of some zombie-evading strategies to share with her - but no one did. So she runs for the woods. Rick follows in hot pursuit, being all "super brave" as his doting (but cheating) wife puts it. Rick catches up with Sophie in the woods, and she is all "I'm scared. Don't leave me alone." and Rick is like "I know, but I have an idiotic plan that involves you being more scared, and me losing you in the woods." So instead of taking the girl with him, he leaves her to hide, and easily takes down the aforementioned non-threatening unskilled worker-zombies. Like, it's so easy. Even Sophie could throw a fricking rock, Rick! So he goes back, and it's whoops, Sophie's gone! He and the archer guy track Sophie for a while, and kill another walker with a skillful arrow to the brain. Archery is not easy, but this guy has got some Olympic level Skillz. Then they decide to open up the zombie guy's stomach "to be sure" he didn't eat Sophie. So they do. And he ate a woodchuck. Phew! (Never mind all the unanswered questions this brings up - Can a zombie starve to death if they don't get enough to eat? Is a well-fed zombie more of a threat then a "starving" one? Are there half-eaten zombie woodchucks now?)

So Rick and the archer return to Sophie's mom with bad news - they can't find Sophie. And then the worst thing happens. Not the worst thing in the story, but the worst STORY-TELLING DEVICE. Rick and archer-man proceed to explain to everyone exactly what just happened in the scene the audience witnessed 30 seconds ago! Just in case you couldn't really follow the complicated plot, here it is again - they opened up the dead guy! And he ate a woodchuck! This is what we like to call overly expositional. While in the beginning of the show, a little reminders of some of the key season 1 goings-on might have been nice, here it is just lazy. Can we hurry up and get to the part about how Grey-Beard faked his RV breakdown (Huh?!! Why??? Oh, that's right. No reason. Shrug. I just felt like doing some, I don't know, team-building.)

Anyway, it's the next day, and the whole crew goes looking for Sophie. They decide to "cover as much ground as possible" by wandering around single file, mere inches from each other. No one is allowed to shoot a gun! Remember how gunshots attract zombies! Noisily marching around through the woods, though? Totally cool. Suddenly, some church bells ring, and everyone says, remember how noise attracts zombies and our survival strategy has been to avoid noise? Well, let's run towards those churchbells? Maybe Sophie has forgotten all about our surivival strategy and is over there? Maybe she is the one ringing the church bells, which would presumably attract "every walker in a 10 mile radius" towards her and us? Let's hit it! At the church, there's no G-D steeple Rick! "Rick , you idiot! You led us to a church without a steeple! What the hell is wrong with you?" yells his fake best friend who not-so-secretly wants to bang his wife. And Rick is like, "I got this". And they "storm" the church, where 3 devout zombies are just minding their own business, praying to Jesus for their zombie forgiveness, and Rick just mauls them down. Poor devout zombies. What where they even doing in the church in the first place, just sitting there? Something about the zombies still having some habitual memories, like the woman in the pilot episode who kept knocking on her own front door - but then if zombies have feelings and they still love Jesus, is it a sin to kill them? Were these three zombies in the church even threats to you, Rick? Obviously, all this heavy moral thinking gets everybody into a funk, and everyone starts crying and getting suicidal, and deciding to abandon all hope of finding Sophie and sticking together as a team. So they split up, and Rick needs "a sign" from the Jesus he doesn't have faith in. So Jesus sends him a sign - a deer - a FEARLESS deer, one that gets his 8 year old son so excited he can't stop grinning idiotically as he creeps toward the deer with his hunter-like skills that he perfected by tromping around the woods for 5 minutes, and WHAT?! Jesus is obviously still mad about Rick killing those 3 innocent church-loving zombies, because he sends a bullet right through Carl's stomach, and sending him into a coma for the remainder of this season! What, a bullet? But no one is supposed to use guns, you guys! Who didn't follow the rules?!

So, what's going to happen in the rest of season 2? Who shot Carl? Will anyone find Sophie? Is Rick's wife going to stop binging and purging and maybe put on a few pounds so it might actually be believable that she could survive a zombie attack? And who cuts her bangs? But, it doesn't look like any of these questions will be answered, and instead we're left with some running in the woods and driving in cars.

This show is a big disappointment to me, because AMC is supposed to have "quality" TV shows, ones where "story matters". I could be on board with a story that has logic loopholes, and suspend my disbelief, IF that story was either a) exciting or b) characters I cared about. In Season 1, it was Option A) Exciting. Dramatic escape plans. Dire situations! But so far, season 2 is not building dramatic or exciting story with relatable characters.

What do you think?