Presidential Bake Off - a Follow Up 4 Years in the Making

The Presidential Candidates' Wives Cookie Contest - Sexist, or Delicious?

Every four years, the public demands to know - which presidential candidate's spouse has the best cookie recipe? This is, as I like to call it, the Fourth Debate, one that has proven more effective at predicting future Presidents than any other scientific method to date. (fact check?)

Let's recap.

http://weknowyoudont.blogspot.com/2008/06/presidential-bake-off-of-monumental.html

Four years ago, I reviewed the history of the contest. Pretend my pictures are still there.

Here are just a couple of highlights -

*Hillary managed to defeat Barbara Bush and Elizabeth Dole with the same, classic chocolate chip cookies, despite previous statements that she was not someone who "stays at home and makes cookies". Now that's some good politician-ing!

*Al Gore's wife's name is Tipper Gore! John Kerry's wife is Teresa! Did anyone remember that?

*Last year, Michelle Obama's family recipe for lemon-y shortbread cookies lost to Cindy McCain's butterscotch cookies that were copied from the back of the butterscotch candy packaging, marking the first time in the history of the contest where the winner did not also win the White House, but NOT the first time someone cheated at this "Fourth Debate" (see Barbara Bush, and let's assume Laura Bush circa 2004).

How did this year's contest go? Who won? Who cheated? Whose cookies reigned supreme?

Michelle Obama, after her painful, humiliating defeat four years ago, entered a new recipe. Lemon shortbread, as you might recall, was a poor choice, not because it wasn't delicious, but because it was too "elitist" and "unAmerican".

This year, Michelle upped her game with an impressive variation on the classic un-defeatable American chocolate chip cookie - a WHITE and DARK chocolate chip cookie.

What could be better? The harmony of white and dark, bringing together both sides of the chocolate debate into one delicious concoction that everyone will like. I'm reminded of Jerry Seinfeld - the black and white cookie is the universal symbol of everyone getting along.

If you've been following the "real" debates (does anyone do that?), then this next part might not be too much of a surprise. Ann Romney's M+M cookies were neck and neck, and lost by the smallest margin ever in the (20 year) history of the contest.
America says "close call"!

What does the M+M cookie have to offer? An M+M is a cheap, affordable candy, MADE IN THE USA. It adds a delightful splash of color to your cookie, but, it's not as effective as chocolate in melting.

Here's a picture from the Romney's official Tumblr page of Ann, Mitt, and someone else (anyone know?) making Ann's M+M cookies. Did anyone tell them, rolling pins and pie pans are for MAKING PIES?! What are they DOING? And for goodness sakes' Mitt, TAKE OFF YOUR WATCH! Another epic fail - the Romney campaign's "link" to Ann's cookies doesn't work.

Michelle Obama didn't feel the need to stage a picture of her baking cookies but not actually baking cookies. I wish she did though. Could you imagine how cute it would be if Barack licked the batter off her finger, and Sasha and Malia bit into those cookies and then maybe their dog scampered around the kitchen in excitement? Cuteness to the extreme.

Michelle doesn't need to do that. She's above all that, but not above dishing out the evil eye.

Here's Michelle, looking skeptical at the Romney cookie.

"I don't think so," she thinks. "By the way, don't I look AMAZING?"

So for now, the Obama's have a tiny, delicious victory, one which may potentially sweep the tide (wait a minute, how can a tide be swept?) of this election of fickle voters who choose candidates for unimportant reasons.

Jezebel (naturally) doesn't like it.

http://jezebel.com/5948563/why-the-hell-are-we-still-holding-first-lady-bake+offs-stop-it-stop-it-right-now

Blah, blah blah..It's sexist, they say.

If it was really sexist though, wouldn't Ann Romney, a lifetime stay-at-home mom, win over Michelle, a Princeton educated lawyer? And, Family Circle has acknowledged that if a woman was a Presidential candidate, they'd force the husband to enter a cookie recipe. Bill Clinton had his lined up in 2008, just in case Hillary won the Democratic nom.

The real point of the cookie contest, is not "old fashioned family values", but that everyone likes cookies, and if you don't know how to make one as an adult, you probably should be ashamed of yourself. Instead of satisfying an instant craving by buying a single cookie, you get to mix things together and wait 10 minutes, then receive a plethora of cookies, which can be shared with people you like!

Morbidly Idiotic

Last night, AMC's Walking Dead, the network's most-watched original series, had it's second season debut (in HD!). Finally, ten years later, AMC decides that this whole HD thing might actually be, like the way of the future or something.
But to their credit, most of AMC's shows have lower than average production values - The Walking Dead in HD was a colossal failure. HD plus zombie makeup = fake to the forth power. Fake. Fake. Fake. Fake. Terrible imagery aside, The Walking Dead failed also with story and character development.

What happened at the end of season 1? It's been, a good long while since this show's been on the air - I for one, had not been re-watching season 1 in anxious anticipation, or refreshing my memory with the graphic novel (which I hear, is actually quite excellent). So, The Walking Dead proceeded to show us the worst season recap in history - season one had - some zombie chases? Some people at the CDC? Since the recap failed to enlighten us, the show threw in Rick, on top of a rooftop (?), talking into his radio, trying to catch us up on all the things the "previously on" scenes failed to do - except Rick's mysterious rooftop monologue (why was he on a rooftop all alone? for starters) - didn't answer any questions for us either - to paraphrase - the doctor at the CDC told me something important - and I want to share it with you - but wait, it doesn't matter what he said. The important thing is - stay off the road.


Stay off the road. Okay. I seem to remember some imagery from season 1, of one side a highway crowded with cars, and our heroes (eye roll) driving along the other abandoned side, and going to great lengths to ensure their escape (a decoy car, sirens, etc). This abandoned-car-highway imagery gets repeated at the beginning of this episode (really milking that fancy, now, extremely fake looking freeway), telling us that our heroes are ON THE MOVE. On the road. Which, I vaguely recall, is not a good idea, because the noise attracts "every walker in a 10 mile radius". But this doesn't seem to phase our heroes. After all, they are SURVIVALISTS. These are the people who are THE BEST at surviving. They've survived this long. So obviously, they wouldn't do anything without a really good survival plan that everyone is on the same page about.

You would think.

So, Rick and the gang zip along the Detroit freeway, heading towards Fort Zombie Freedom, when Uh-oh! Roadblock! "Where the hell are we, Beruit?" Somebody says. "Don't worry about it, y'll!" Says Beard-Face. "The RV is broken down, but first let's go through these dead people's belongings."

Rick's wife doesn't like that idea. She is all like, I don't know, morals this, dead people still have feelings, that. The crew scores some giant jugs of water (convenient), some hatchets (a new zombie-killing tool, I'm on board with that), and, some "nice clothes" so our female cast can still have an excuse to look anerexic shiek for TV.

But, wait, you guys. Zombies are coming. And there's like a whole herd of them. Anyone have any ideas? Let's hide under the cars. And now all of the show's pre-established logic breaks down.

Remember how zombies can smell you? Remember how they have a hunter-like sense of hearing as well and can spring into action quickly? Well, in season 2, they have no skills. There is no reason to fear these zombies, because they can't even pass basic Zombie Hunting 101.

So, Blondie is trapped in the RV's bathroom, trying to assemble her gun, which no one wants her to have, becuase she is like all suicidal or something. (All of this, I had obviously forgotten about, because naturally the terrible season recap left out all information crucial to this episode). Hey, Blondie? You think your life sucks? What about the zombies, huh? Ever think about that, how much it must suck to be a zombie, with only one thought(flesh!) in your head? And how you are forced to just wander around aimlessly trying to get that one thing that always eludes you? Now THAT is nightmarish prison. I feel sorrier for the zombies, honestly. Blondie attacks a zombie with a screwdriver, and it's gnarly. Then T-Dogg (actual character's name, I didn't make that up), accidentially shreds his arm on some metal spinter lying about (whoops!), and blood gushes everywhere. It seems bad for him, but his buddie the white supremisist dude's brother I think, saves him by covering themselves with corpses so the other zombies are fooled. His arm that was gushing blood at an alarming rate perviously, is apparently fine with no need for medical attention. Thank God!

But hiding under the corpses was a smart and morbid move, and one that actually makes sense given the logic of the show. Meanwhile, everyone else is hiding under cars out in the open, like frightened schoolchildren. Some of them, actually are in fact, school children. And naturally, a straggling zombie at the end of the pack finds Sophie, who probably could have out-manuevered the zombie, easily leading it into a trap and forcing Rick or someone else to quietly and easily take it down if only someone had like thought of some zombie-evading strategies to share with her - but no one did. So she runs for the woods. Rick follows in hot pursuit, being all "super brave" as his doting (but cheating) wife puts it. Rick catches up with Sophie in the woods, and she is all "I'm scared. Don't leave me alone." and Rick is like "I know, but I have an idiotic plan that involves you being more scared, and me losing you in the woods." So instead of taking the girl with him, he leaves her to hide, and easily takes down the aforementioned non-threatening unskilled worker-zombies. Like, it's so easy. Even Sophie could throw a fricking rock, Rick! So he goes back, and it's whoops, Sophie's gone! He and the archer guy track Sophie for a while, and kill another walker with a skillful arrow to the brain. Archery is not easy, but this guy has got some Olympic level Skillz. Then they decide to open up the zombie guy's stomach "to be sure" he didn't eat Sophie. So they do. And he ate a woodchuck. Phew! (Never mind all the unanswered questions this brings up - Can a zombie starve to death if they don't get enough to eat? Is a well-fed zombie more of a threat then a "starving" one? Are there half-eaten zombie woodchucks now?)

So Rick and the archer return to Sophie's mom with bad news - they can't find Sophie. And then the worst thing happens. Not the worst thing in the story, but the worst STORY-TELLING DEVICE. Rick and archer-man proceed to explain to everyone exactly what just happened in the scene the audience witnessed 30 seconds ago! Just in case you couldn't really follow the complicated plot, here it is again - they opened up the dead guy! And he ate a woodchuck! This is what we like to call overly expositional. While in the beginning of the show, a little reminders of some of the key season 1 goings-on might have been nice, here it is just lazy. Can we hurry up and get to the part about how Grey-Beard faked his RV breakdown (Huh?!! Why??? Oh, that's right. No reason. Shrug. I just felt like doing some, I don't know, team-building.)

Anyway, it's the next day, and the whole crew goes looking for Sophie. They decide to "cover as much ground as possible" by wandering around single file, mere inches from each other. No one is allowed to shoot a gun! Remember how gunshots attract zombies! Noisily marching around through the woods, though? Totally cool. Suddenly, some church bells ring, and everyone says, remember how noise attracts zombies and our survival strategy has been to avoid noise? Well, let's run towards those churchbells? Maybe Sophie has forgotten all about our surivival strategy and is over there? Maybe she is the one ringing the church bells, which would presumably attract "every walker in a 10 mile radius" towards her and us? Let's hit it! At the church, there's no G-D steeple Rick! "Rick , you idiot! You led us to a church without a steeple! What the hell is wrong with you?" yells his fake best friend who not-so-secretly wants to bang his wife. And Rick is like, "I got this". And they "storm" the church, where 3 devout zombies are just minding their own business, praying to Jesus for their zombie forgiveness, and Rick just mauls them down. Poor devout zombies. What where they even doing in the church in the first place, just sitting there? Something about the zombies still having some habitual memories, like the woman in the pilot episode who kept knocking on her own front door - but then if zombies have feelings and they still love Jesus, is it a sin to kill them? Were these three zombies in the church even threats to you, Rick? Obviously, all this heavy moral thinking gets everybody into a funk, and everyone starts crying and getting suicidal, and deciding to abandon all hope of finding Sophie and sticking together as a team. So they split up, and Rick needs "a sign" from the Jesus he doesn't have faith in. So Jesus sends him a sign - a deer - a FEARLESS deer, one that gets his 8 year old son so excited he can't stop grinning idiotically as he creeps toward the deer with his hunter-like skills that he perfected by tromping around the woods for 5 minutes, and WHAT?! Jesus is obviously still mad about Rick killing those 3 innocent church-loving zombies, because he sends a bullet right through Carl's stomach, and sending him into a coma for the remainder of this season! What, a bullet? But no one is supposed to use guns, you guys! Who didn't follow the rules?!

So, what's going to happen in the rest of season 2? Who shot Carl? Will anyone find Sophie? Is Rick's wife going to stop binging and purging and maybe put on a few pounds so it might actually be believable that she could survive a zombie attack? And who cuts her bangs? But, it doesn't look like any of these questions will be answered, and instead we're left with some running in the woods and driving in cars.

This show is a big disappointment to me, because AMC is supposed to have "quality" TV shows, ones where "story matters". I could be on board with a story that has logic loopholes, and suspend my disbelief, IF that story was either a) exciting or b) characters I cared about. In Season 1, it was Option A) Exciting. Dramatic escape plans. Dire situations! But so far, season 2 is not building dramatic or exciting story with relatable characters.

What do you think?

Writing Advice - part 1

There's a lot of writing advice out there. How do you know who to listen to? Easy. You listen to me. As some of you know, I read scripts for a screenplay competition and write coverage.

Sometimes people come up to me on the street and they say "hey! how do you get your hair to be so shiny?" and I say "Hey! Nice try, but you're off topic". You see. That's how laser-focused I am. On writing. Let's begin. At the beginning of course.



(1) Quit your job.



To be a successful writer, you absolutely must quit your job. How else are you going to have time to write? Look, we hear a lot about writers who worked this or that crappy job, just enough to pay the bills, but at night they would really get passionate..with writing (get your mind out of the gutter), blah blah blah. But this is not true. Most writers are a bunch of rich people and trust fund babies. You need to emulate them. Check this out. "Hi, I work at the Gap but on my days off, I'm writing my novel". SNOOOZE. Compare - "Hi, I'm writing a novel". Zing! Now you're interesting. And when you get famous enough for people to ask, you tell them you did the whole worked at the copy center for 3 years for minimum wage bit too. Standard stuff.



(2) Be a hermit.



To be a good writer, you need to isolate yourself. If you can find a bubble, or a cave, perfect.

Log cabins, abandoned warehouses, or treehouses also work. You should cut off all communications. Don't read. Don't watch TV. Don't talk to anyone. They don't understand you anyway. You are a tortured artist. Why do you even bother to write for these despicable idiotic invisible people that make up your "audience" anyway? They hate genius when it smacks them in the face. But that is your job. To smack people in the face. One day, they will appreciate it, probably when you're dead. Secretly, people love a good smack.



(3) Network!



Get out there and socialize. You'll never make it on your own. You need to surround yourself with important people who like to talk about "fast-tracking", "the back end", and "fast tracking the back end". Drink a lot of Scotch so you seem normal. Own a blackberry. Figure out how to "Twitter" and Facebook your face off. Spend a few months looking for an assistant. Fire new assistant on first day. Spend next few months looking for another assistant. Repeat.



(4) Don't Write Every Day



If you start writing every day, you'll end up doing a lot of work for free. Working for free is not your goal. Your goal is to sell that ONE novel/script/pitch/young-adult-vampire-garbage for an assload of cash and retire in the south of France. How are you going to sell something for an airplane-hangar-full-of-coin if everyone knows you work for free? You've got to put in the least amount of time and effort so everyone knows what a gifted writer you are. "It just comes effertlessly to me", you'll say. "I don't need to rewrite myself. Every word is perfect the first time." Everyone will "ooh" and "ahh". They WISH they could be like you. You will send them into a jealous frenzy. Some poor shmuck will say to you "no one can do that! Everyone else has to write all the time, constantly trying to improve the craft. There are NO EXCEPTIONS." But you will say "how qaint. Now, who wants my autograph?"



(5) Don't Write What You Know



Everyone writes what they know. You need to be ahead of the game and outside of the box. You have to differentiate yourself from the pack of "write what you know" writers. Writing what you don't know is imaginative. It's creative. You can't do research. If you research something, now you know about it, duh. You should write about outer space molecular biological lifeforms in hell and invent new words like "cuboprety". Nonsense equals genius.






"Once upon a time" is for hacks.

HGTV show ideas

HGTV is awesome, we all know. However, all their sassy style-me-pretty flip-it-switch-it home-buying-is-fun crap is not really current with today's economy. Here are some show ideas I've written to HGTV to pitch for 2009 -

Foreclosing Your Home with Style!

How to Downgrade and Lose most of your Equity.
Finding a Home in your Price Range (there aren't any).
First Time Buyers - don't worry, you won't be approved for a loan anyway.

Haiku to my recently purchased items at Trader Joe's

Dear reader(s) - (hopefully there's more than one, but who knows) -

Like most females, I have a healthy obsession with food. I enjoy cooking, and LOVE eating out. Naturally, I asked co-blogger/partner-in-life Matthew if we could turn our blog into a food blog, instead of our blog-which-mocks-snobbery-while-simultaneously-showing-off-our-great-taste-slash-intellect-all-in-the-name-of-fun.

However, Matthew scoffed at this idea, and (scoffing), said, "Real original. Food blogs have so been done before." It's true. They're everywhere. Some are good. A lot of them are lame. And they seem to be getting more and more popular. So of course, when something has reached it's peak of popularity, we have already been hating it for years.

So, rather than bringing you lame recipes that I've copied from somewhere else followed by step-by-step blurry unappetizing photos, I am bringing you, blessed reader(s), the gift of poetry.

Please enjoy some (rather original and ingenious) haiku. And stay tuned for our Labor Day trip to Cincinnati, where we will sample some "famous" (who-knew) Cincinnatian chili, and, umm, do other Cincinnati things . Coming soon.

Onion.

Chop! Dice! Wedge! Sizzle!
Bringing tears to my blue eyes,

You smell great sautéed.

Hark! Rings like a tree.

In the test of time, you win.

Gimme some onion rings.

Red Pepper Jar.

Fire roasted brilliance.
Where have you been all my life?
I’m moving to Spain.

Soy Ice Cream Sandwiches.

Freezer Door Opens.

Cool Breeze. Softly swirled chocolate.

I just can’t quit you.

Carrot Cake Cupcakes.

Evil coworker,
Brought these to work. Only two!
Dollars. I had 4.

Gnocchi.

She gazes at the west -
Ern sun. Are those Potatoes?

She muses. Or cheese.

Tomato.

Perplex, form, function.
Boundary of thought. Words fail
To describe. 'Red' works.

a Presidential Bake-off of Monumental Proportions! (and hopefully monumental portions)

Hello all. We've been busy being engaged and haven't blogged for some time now. But, a subject of national interest has inspired me to blog once again – the presidential cookie bake-off.

It’s no secret Matthew and I enjoy baking cookies, decorating cookies, and definitely eating cookies. We are clearly experts at all of these. It’s time for us experts to weigh in on what is proving to be the most controversial presidential cookie contest EVER.

The contest is held through “Family Circle” or “Parenting” magazine, where readers (or anyone who registers online) vote for their favorite recipe submitted by the presidential candidates’ spouses. In the past, the spouses who won this contest (Hillary Clinton, Lara Bush, etc) ended up in the White House. The cookie contest now has an aura of predicting the future. It is the Groundhog’s Day of November. Ideally, the candidates should post a recipe that has a story to tell about who they are. The cookie should represent what kind of person you are and what kind of family you have. After all, baking a cookie from scratch is a symbol of love and it’s something that pretty much anyone and everyone can do. Let’s take a look into the history of this cookie contest –


First up, Barbara Bush’s “batch” versus Hillary Clinton’s “Chips”. Both of these recipes are variations of chocolate chip cookies, which is arguably the most beloved and also most mainstream cookie. Hillary’s chips have oatmeal and chocolate, but her recipe also uses vegetable shortening, which I refuse to bake with (although probably does taste really soft and delicious). However, Barbara Bush’s recipe was a pretty simple chocolate chip cookie, yet half-way through the contest, she CHANGED her recipe to include oatmeal, essentially copying Hillary’s success. So, clearly, Hillary stuck to her guns here and deserved this win.

(America loves the chocolate chip. )

Next, Hillary’s same recipe defeated Elizabeth Dole’s “Pecan Roll Cookies”. That’s a no-brainer! Pecan Rolls are for OLD people! Just like Bob Dole. And margarine instead of butter? Come on.






<---(Pathetic looking pecan roll cookies.)

Then, things got interesting with Laura Bush’s “Texas Governor’s Mansion Cowboy Cookies” versus Tipper Gore’s Ginger Snaps. Cowboy cookies are pretty dang good, with chocolate, coconut, oats, and pecans. Ginger snaps are a little boring, which was precisely the voters’ problem with the Gore’s in 2000. “Let’s get crazy and party with the Bushes!” thought 49.99% somehow-rounded-up-to-a-majority of America.

(Cowboy cookies and ginger snap cookies...America says "Close Call".)

In 2004, Laura Bush switched up her recipe to “Oatmeal chocolate chunk cookies” which is pretty similar to Hillary and Barbara’s recipes, with the addition of sour cherries. Teresa Kerry offered something more original and well suited for November – the “pumpkin spice cookie”. Arguably, this is one of the few “breakfast cookies”, a cookie you can eat for breakfast and not feel too bad about it. However, the voters felt Kerry’s cookie was “too elitist” because it didn’t have chocolate and required pumpkin puree, something you can’t use year-round. The Bushes prevailed again.



(Chocolate oatmeal chunk cookies looking familiarly inviting. Pumpkin spice looking rather snobby)

So now, finally, we have Michelle Obama versus Cindy McCain. Ms. Obama has chosen a family recipe of “shortbread cookies” that has orange and lemon zest, a splash of Amaretto, and an optional dash of dried fruit or nuts. Cindy McCain, who the thought of actually baking anything herself is pretty laughable, has offered up “Butterscotch oatmeal cookies” from ‘a friend’, clearly an effort to capitalize on the past success of super-sweet-and oatmeal combos. Turns out Cindy’s recipe is plagiarized from the back of the Tollhouse butterscotch chips label. Bill Clinton also submitted an Oatmeal Cookie recipe (before Hillary’s concession). Bill’s recipe turns out to be 100% the Betty Crocker cookbook recipe.

(shortbread cookies a little Jackie-O remincent)

(butterscotch cookies looking a little unappetizing and thrown together last minute).



(thanks for playing, Bill.)

I don’t really care that Cindy and Bill plagiarized. The contest rules do not state anywhere “the recipe has to be original to you or your family or friends” nor does it say “If the recipe is from another source, it must be given credit”. If your family favorite recipe is the one from the back of the chocolate chip package, that should be fine, right? But HOPEFULLY, hopefully, voters out there aren’t looking for the same old thing they can get already. When I look for recipes, I look for SOMETHING new and different. That’s why, although I intended to try both recipes before voting, I already voted for Michelle. Why? Because your bias in presidential candidate makes it impossible to have a “fair” cookie vote. I like Obama, so I will read into Michelle’s cookie as unique and different, maybe even a little sophisticated and elegant. Others might read into it as “elitist”, (since it requires liquor, something relatively expensive and not readily on hand), being too English, (aka Un-American), and who knows what else.

So this whole cookie contest stems from America’s obnoxious need for their Presidents to be “just like me and you”. The bowling, the beer-drinking, the flying on corporate jets, this is what makes or breaks an election these days. So, while I voted for Michelle’s cookies based on the issues at hand rather than comparing the actual substance, I vow that I will vote for the President in November based solely on which wife wins the cookie contest, rather than the issues at hand. Like the majority of Americans, I will wait until the last possible moment, than base my decision on the latest frivolous bit of trivia. I like cookies. I fricking love cookies. Cookies are my livelihood. And I don’t want a president whose wife can’t win a cookie contest. Call me a patriot.

Back To The Present - Part II

Ok, so its August.  Much has happened since our last posts, but i need not bore you with the deets.  Anyways, summer time is movie time.  Before the holiday season rewards-fodder, this is that time of year when Hollywood churns out their cash cows.  This was labeled the summer of the threequels, but it might as well have called the summer of the pukequels, since that's what the majority of them made me want to do when they ended and that's putting it nicely.  Let's have a quick analysis...

Spiderman 3: Oh where to begin with this one? Despite the ridiculous amount of money Sony has raked in with Spidey, I think this franchise has stunk from day one; with the exception of the performance by Alfred Molina and a sweet fight sequence on the elevated train in Spiderman 2.  Spiderman 3 is the most offensive of the trilogy.  The Pete Wentz-ing of Peter Parker aside, the "climax" of this thing was just laughable.  And the MPAA is seriously deranged if they pass this flick as PG-13, just because they don't show blood when Spiderman beats the crap out of Venom with a metal poll.  But despite the soothsaying of Kirsten Dunst I'm pretty sure Sony will keep this money train chugging whether the "talent" returns or not.  Save yourself James Franco! Just say no!!

Shrek 3: Skipped this one.  When a studio makes more than 2 trailers for a movie, you know its going to be a turd.  Besides Shrek 2 was a major let down.  Next.

Pirates of the Caribbean 3: This is Hollywood excess at its worst.  I really had high hopes for this one due to a pretty excellent trailer.  But alas, Pirates turned out to be another Matrix for me, meaning a trilogy where I use selective memory to ignore the fact that two sequels were made.  One would think Disney would realize that if this movie were 45 minutes shorter they could screen it more times during the day and hence make more money, but obviously that didn't happen.  Who would have ever thought too much Johnny Depp could be a bad thing? 

Bourne Ultimatum: Thank you, Universal. Thank you, Paul Greengrass. Thank you, Matt Damon et al.  I read that the script for Ultimatum was being written on the fly during the shooting of this film.  Usually that is a recipe for disaster (see: Pirates 3 above), but somehow these blokes pulled it off.  Its the third in the series and its not just good, its the best of the three.  You know when critics say, "an edge of your seat thrill ride!" well with this one they bloody mean it.  This movie was so well executed from start to finish I didn't want it to end.  I was literally shaking from the intensity and suspense of it all.  Awesome.  Simply awesome.  Someone give Matt Damon an acting award already please.  Actually don't because the Academy is a joke now.  Screw them!  Just keep on doing what you do, fella.

Rush Hour 3: Skipped the first one.  Second one was meh.  No way I'm seeing this one regardless of a Polanski appearance.  Watching the trailer was torture enough.  Pass.

Okay, I think that takes care of the trilogy dreck.  But I'd like to lump Transformers in with the bad apples.  I'd rather not go into details because it gets me upset.  There's no denying the effects were some of ILM's finest work but that couldn't save this flick from a weak plot and terrible pacing.  

I'll post about some of my other favorites of the summer in the next installment.  Until then...

-- M

Saving the Environment in 3 Easy Steps

The environment is out there and it needs to be saved. Sure, you can’t see it, or hear it, or touch it. But it’s there, lurking just over the horizon waiting to smack you in the face with a bit of global warming. If the horizon even exists by then. It’s probably the first thing to go. So if you want to save all the things you like, like puppies and rainbows, and all the things you need, like air and water and dry land, then you best make some lifestyle changes and follow my advice.

1 – A lot of people talk about saving the whales. The whales’ biggest problem is that they can’t see in the dark. So when it’s nighttime, turn on all the lights in your house. ALL OF THEM. Turn on any light-creating appliances too. If you’re not sure whether it makes enough light or not, like a coffee maker, turn it on anyway just to be safe.
The whales need to see, so don’t be selfish. Every little bit helps, and together we can light the way for these nocturnally challenged creatures.

2 – You’ve probably heard that taking the bus can help the environment, but this is a bold faced lie. Everyone knows that the metro transportation systems don’t make money and have to be government subsidized. A lot of buses run on bio-diesel, which is more expensive and guess who’s paying the bill. The government. And you. This is totally unfair, and what the government should do is give all of that money to the people so that they can buy gas. And then the price of gas will go down. And when the gas price goes down, that means less people are using gas. Everybody wins.

3 – When you’re at the supermarket, buying your industrial strength super glue and Frito Lay fun packs like I do so that you can glue some trees together and have a tree-friendly snack at the same time, you’ll be indubitably asked the environmentally fatal question – “paper or plastic”? Paper bags are made from recycled paper, making them inferior and likely to have their flimsy handles rip off, causing you to wastefully spill the contents of your groceries who knows where. It’s like a mini oil spill. However, plastic bags remind everyone of homeless people and homeless people are bad for the environment - they eat trees and they pee all over the place. So, the best thing to do when confronted with this double-edged sword of a bag choice is to compromise. Go with both. Make that grocery bagger earn his 7.50/hour and tell him to put the plastic bags inside the paper bags.

With these three simple steps, you will soon be on your way to making the world a better place. It won’t be easy. But think of how great you’ll feel if you do these great things for yourself. Pretty great, huh?